Prenting On The Same Page

Children can suffer when Mom and Dad are at odds in their parenting styles. Mom and Dad are divorced. Dad doesn’t want the kids to grow up on X-Box and Gameboy. Mom buys them a Gameboy and an X-Box for Christmas. They love Mom. Mom and Dad are divorced. Mom doesnt buy sweets, soda, or potato chips. Dad says, “It’s okay to eat junk once in awhile.” He buys all the junk food the kids can eat. You get the picture. Parents often disagree about how to raise their children. Many parents talk out these differences and reach a common ground. When they do not find common ground, the differences cause problems. Parents begin to ignore each others desires and act as if there were only one parent. The minor differences that occur in almost every home are not damaging; however, differences become destructive when parents make conflicting decisions. Its as if the child is exposed to two entirely different home environments. How do families end up like this? One parent is at odds with the decisions of the other and chooses to do things differently. The other parent responds by making independent choices.

Over time, each parent reacts more strongly to the other parent’s decisions. It becomes more important to enforce “my values” than to resolve differences. Theres a lot of underlying animosity in this situation. When the differences are discussed, its often in angry exchanges that make the parenting gap seem even wider. This family dynamic is unhealthy for kids. Parents should offer children a world that includes routines, limits, and exposure to experiences that promote healthy behaviors and healthy choices. For children to learn from their two most important teachers—Mom and Dad—they must see their parents as competent, capable, and reliable. They must know that when you say something, you mean it, and when you set a limit, thats the limit. Children learn through consistently bumping into the limits you establish for them. If the limits change from day to day or from parent to parent, its very difficult for kids to learn where they really are.

In fact, its almost impossible for important messages to get through. If one parent says bedtime is 8:00 p.m. It becomes apparent to the children that Mom and Dad don’t have it together, and its easy to leverage one against the other. Many couples who engage in this behavior wouldnt dream of saying bluntly, “Oh, you don’t have to listen to your dad (mom).” They would rightly view this as harmful. But the same parents are willing to subtly undermine each others credibility by setting different limits. This is damaging to kids and to a marriage. Mom and Dad are bound to have differences. When we make choices that concern our kids, we have an underlying desire for the children to have certain experiences. One parent may seek structure while another seeks flexibility. One parent may cherish freedom and autonomy while the other thrives on consistency and predictability. One may value routine while the other values spontaneity. One may be drawn to adventure and risk taking while the other seeks safety and comfort. One may enjoy resisting conventional thought while the other embraces tradition. One is liberal, one is conservative.

One likes activity, the other wants quiet family time at home. Differences exist, and each position has a certain value. When we seek out a particular experience for our children, we have the underlying intention of fulfilling some value. Some values may seem more “worthy” than others, but too much of any good thing can be a problem. Too much structure leads to rigidity and overcontrol, but too much flexibility leads to lack of discipline and direction. The goal is for parents to balance opposing values. Its important to be honest about whats really going on. Are you reacting out of anger? Are you more concerned with getting your point across than with what the kids need? Have you let your resentment about not being “heard” by your spouse blind you to the effect of your judgments? Its possible to allow your children to experience the values that both parents support and cherish, even when theyre different. The following three-step model will help you along this path.